Tag Archives: pain

5 Critical Reasons You Struggle To Feel Loved, Appreciated and Respected In Life and Work

Today’s my birthday, and traditionally, I’ve loved this day – June 2nd. I have very happy memories going way back, of celebrating this day with dear friends and family. One of my fondest memories is of a wonderful party for my 18th birthday given by my dear friend Nan in her garage (because the outdoor party was rained out). I felt treasured and very happy on that day, even with the heavy downpours and dampened festivities, because I felt the true love of my friends.

It’s wonderful to experience deeply the love and appreciation from others, and to receive and hear messages that people reserve only for special occasions like birthdays.

But I’ve found too that sometimes, soaking in these loving messages — really taking them in, down to my toes – can be challenging for me, and many others have shared that they have this challenge too.

Why is it hard to truly embrace and accept (and be healed by) an outpouring of love, appreciation and gratitude from others?

I believe there are 5 key reasons we keep ourselves from truly feeling love, respect and appreciation – why we block ourselves from letting it in, and healing from it.


Here are the top five reasons we stop ourselves from soaking in love and appreciation:

#1: We have grown distrustful of what people say to us, especially if it’s kind.

Even when friends, colleagues and family share beautiful sentiments about us, many of us have grown distrusting and skeptical of what people say, and find it hard to believe people are being truthful when they’re being highly complimentary.  Sadly, we wonder, “Why are they being so nice – what’s in it for them?”

#2: We keep ourselves too busy and distracted in life, that we fail to give ourselves the breathing room to inhale all the love.

Being over-the-top busy every minute of every day is a true disease today in our society that affects millions of people. We run round and round like hamsters on a wheel, only to come to the end of each day with no time for real rest, or to contemplate our blessings, and acknowledge what we’re grateful for. This pertains to love as well – many of us are stingy with ourselves, our time and our ability to take in love.

#3: We don’t feel worthy of this love, deep down, or comfortable “holding” it, so we deflect it.

So many folks I work with and know have been trained NOT to love themselves. Their parents or authority figures encouraged them to be blind to (and neglectful of) their own magnificence, beauty and amazingness. If we don’t believe in our own extraordinary qualities, then external words of love and praise simply don’t get through.

#4. Some of the hurts we’ve experienced from the past can be like bottomless pits that won’t be filled, even when love is pouring in.

In conducting therapy and coaching with thousands of people over 11 years, I’ve seen firsthand (and lived it) that some of the hurts we have remain open – like deep, unprotected wounds that won’t heal. These wounds are like bottomless pits – love and kindness may pour in, but the wounds don’t close and don’t fill in until we take proactive measures to heal them.

#5: We’re so used to love that’s “conditional” – meaning, that we’ve learned we have to bend ourselves in half and do back flips in order to earn “love” from others –  that we don’t know what to do with beautiful, unconditional love that comes our way.

Most of us have been trained that, in order to be loved, we have to be pleasing – we have to do what others want us to do, and avoid getting in the way, and making “trouble.” But real love doesn’t depend on our pleasing others. Real love is unconditional, and we’re not used to how that feels.

Today, I’m committed to soaking in all the love I’m receiving. And I’m determined to hold and savor this love and appreciation every day of my life. Not just my birthday.

**Kathy Caprino, M.A., is an internationally-recognized women’s career success and work-life expert, leadership consultant, speaker, and trainer dedicated to the advancement of women in business.  A featured contributor on women’s careers, business and leadership for Forbes, Huffington Post, and LinkedIn, she is also the author of Breakdown, Breakthrough: The Professional Woman’s Guide to Claiming a Life of Passion, Power, and Purpose.  A champion for working women, Kathy is a former corporate Vice President, a trained psychotherapist, specialized career and executive coach, and sought-after writer and speaker on women’s issues.  She is the Founder and President of Ellia Communications, Inc. and The Amazing Career Project, supporting women to build successful, rewarding careers of significance.

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She May Be A Hurt Daughter Just Like You

Being in strained relationship with your mother is difficult. but for the child, the daughter sometimes are perception of the relationship can get very one-sided. Rightfully so, because we have become a victim at the hands of someone who we love and who loves us. we place high expectations on the one we call mother, mom, mama, ma. I mean, she shouldn’t be the one to hurt us, to introduce us to pain, right?

But when your stuck in a victim mentality and especially one where the person causing the victimization is the one who brought you into this workd after carrying you inside of them, it is hard to excuse such behavior.

I know it is. trust me.
I challenge you though, to look at your mother as just another woman. Humanize her, even if only a second. Strip the role and the expectations that come with it from her and just look at her like an ordinary person, another woman.

What do you see?

If you look real closely you can see the hurt little girl, the broken woman, and the burden that she has been carrying probably way before you were born. Pay attention behind the anger, the words, the actions that isn’t always or never “motherly-like” is a woman who quite possibly doesn’t know how to love you right because she doesn’t know how to love herself right because somewhere along the way She wasn’t love right. No excuses for any behavior but in order to forgive we have to understand the person on the other side.

Understanding isn’t to be mistaken for justification. Understanding just open your eyes a little more to how the other person may justify their behavior, the their choices, their way of thinking. It doesn’t change anything about what happened but it does change how you view things and if understanding is mutual that is even better. Sometimes we strive so much for agreement when all we can ever get in return is understanding. this rule of understanding can be applied across the board in many situations. But I digress.

You have your reality, your testimony, your story but so does she. Next time look your mother in her eyes, watch her non verbal communication, read between the lines of her words, look beyond the ill behavior…….what do you see/hear? If your mother is no longer here with us anymore, reflect on a time, situation and playback the scenario. But don’t pay attention to what happened, pay attention to your mother. Journal it.

I learned awhile ago before my mother hurt me, she had to hurt herself first and for her to hurt herself she had to more than likely be hurt by someone else. Maybe a family member, maybe someone she loved, maybe friend. But even bigger than that, was once she was hurt what did she do with it to heal, my answer would be nothing or at least not enough, or just trying to cope with the pain hoping that it would one day go away but it didn’t. We know pain can be unbearable and it tends to invoke a reaction from us. Her lashing out at me if the pain she has endured, being treated less than her daughter, sometimes even human was from her own pain.

Although, it doesn’t make it right but it does make sense now because I understand and with that understanding of her, I can forgive her, I can heal, I can stop the cycle in my life and not past the recycled pain to my children and into relationships whether personal or professional.

Remember hurt people hurt people. You know your hurt but what’s your mother’s hurt? Ask her maybe she will tell you and if she does, put your experience with her aside and experience her life with her. you may be surprised.

Sharisa T. Robertson is founder and forgiveness facilitator of Lilies of the Field, where she assist women with healing from the past change the present while working towards the future. She is founder of Daughters United which a s support group for adult daughters who have/had strained relationship with their mother and are still impacted negatively from it. Author and Visionary of book collaboration, of A Letter To My Mother: A Daughter’s Perspective. Sharisa is currently working on other projects which deals with and brings awareness, healing, and solutions to the mother daughter issue. www.sharisarobertson.com

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