It’s Peculiar, Isn’t It? How We Hide From Our Self

I was rather unaware of my peculiarity at a young age and I guess that’s why it’s peculiar.It’s one of those adjectives that you don’t understand about yourself until you’re able to see your youth from a different lens. Back then I was just the boy who played a rough game of football during recess and who, for some odd reason, was always asked to walk in the line with the girls. I didn’t think much of it–sure I thought it was peculiar but I didn’t understand exactly why I was the peculiar one, it was more so the practice of putting a boy into line with the girls that I found odd.

I went about being and growing and experiencing until the subtle oppressive nature of the sly remarks and the stares got the best of me. Maybe I wasn’t who I thought I was all along. Maybe they were right. Maybe I am the peculiar one, the odd one, the weird one, the “girl who looks like a boy.” But that just couldn’t be. I mean how could I be so wrong about my own self-identity?

But those doubts weren’t finalized until my older brother, aka my childhood hero and best friend, came home one day and sat me down and said, “when do you think you’re gonna, ya know, start acting like a girl?” I shrugged on my shirt a little, propped myself up on the couch, and said, “I don’t know really, I think it’ll just happen.” What I really meant was, “I’m going to make it happen, don’t worry brother, I won’t let you down.”

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And so I did. I took a look through my sister’s wardrobe and decided this is what it meant to be a girl. So I watched closely, I examined every movement of femininity and I mimicked it, until I became it. Then from that point on, it did just sort of happen naturally.

And that’s the story of how a little boy was convinced he was a girl even though the little boy was right all along. It wasn’t until the age of 21 that he had rebuilt the courage of his youth to proclaim himself. That is the story of how I became Jamie; an outspoken transgender man still trying to find the incomparable courage of his youth.

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Watch my story.


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